Parents' Projection on Teens...The Ripple Effect.
Both the connection and influence of a parent to their teen is clear. What might not be so clear is that the hyper-focus on a teen’s issues is a reflection of the parent. What if as a parent you take a moment to let go of the reigns of control over your teens’ tendency to X, Y, and Z and accept there is more going on than the eye can see?
This is an opportunity to awaken to the reality of projection and re-focus on your inner self!
Projection is when a person attributes their own undesirable feelings onto another. In this case, your TWIN teen. The more you work on an issue in yourself that you are seeing in your teen, the more you will manifest a change in your teen over time.
In the book Dr. Karyn's Guide To The Teen Years, Dr. Karyn shares this quote by Robert Fulghum “Don’t worry that teens never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”
Dr. Karyn goes on to say that when your children are getting mixed messages about who to be and how to act, they are more likely to model your behavior and not what you say you want them to do.
Takes steps to look into your own soul and discover what’s going on in there that you don’t like being reflected in your teen. As you work on your own feelings about a particular issue, that wisdom will change the way you see and act towards it in your teenager.
Remember - Teenagers are smart and pick up when a shift is made in their own parent. And children subconsciously model their parents. They will model what you undergo. That’s because children and teens do what you do, not what you SAY.
So how do you take the focus off a teen’s behaviour and experience breakthrough in both your lives?
Become aware and accept it.
Reflect on your upbringing. Contemplate what your parents were like as they raised you. What types of experiences did they have or mental states did they live in? Do you see these showing up in yourself today? These can be both positive and negative.
Accept that there are links between your parental figures and how you feel about yourself (and your teenagers) today. Were there particularly strong emotions that they carried? Trauma? Fears? Acknowledge the transferred emotions. Realize your teen also has experienced transferred feelings and attitudes from you. It’s a natural occurrence in all parent-child relationships.
Forgive. Cut the cord.
Take time to forgive. Forgive yourself! Forgive your parental figures! They were doing the best they could with the resources available to them at the time. Carrying their projections and their hurt is not serving you one bit. Acknowledge the strengths passed down and let go of anything that was not truly coming from their higher self.
Write a forgiveness letter. Feel whatever you feel as you write it out. Then destroy the letter and let the Universe respond to that forgiveness.
Cut the cord. It’s time to develop your own ways of thinking and being. Just because your parents taught you something does not mean you have to carry it to your dying day. For example, If your parents constantly worried about money – this does not mean you have to go around with constant fear you or your children won’t live up to a financial or societal measure.
This cord cutting concept is based on a meditation that Gabby Bernstein, author of Judgement Detox, encourages people to use to let of negative attachments. Envision your spiritual guide cutting those attached cords between yourself and your parents, releasing you of any carried negative weight. Gabby leads you through this experience at https://gabbybernstein.com/cut-the-cord/.
Re-Connect to Yourself
Now that you have released ties that were not meant for you to carry, take time to re-connect to your higher self. Meditate and become aware of the real you – not the you that your parents or anyone molded, but the purest of your essence. Who are you? What are the traits, ways and strengths that you find within yourself? Nurture these aspects.
Practice self-love. Take time to love who you are no matter what struggles you still face. Find time to encourage yourself. Show grace to yourself when you don’t feel like you deserve it.
Be grateful for all of the blessings and family you do have. After all, if you didn’t have a teenager you deeply loved and cared for you wouldn’t be at this place of self-realization. This self-love and desire to live according to your higher self is exactly what you want your teen to model.
Share your Discovery
The more you share the more you’ll stay aware! Talk to others about your new found discoveries about yourself. Partner with someone who will hold you accountable to practicing self- awareness and self-compassion.
In fact, why not take time to share with your teen what you discovered? Imagine if you didn’t need to tell your teen to change in one way or another but simply shared with them this… that you realize your parents passed down unresolved issues onto you… that you are becoming more aware and growing into your own self… that you are gaining momentum as you let go of their pain… re-integrating into a person who takes care of every aspect found inside.
Children do what we do. Make a shift and see the ripple effect.